January and February are known as the dumping ground for movies. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is the exact definition of a movie that was just dumped. Hello internets Brandon here with a question. Why the hell was this movie ever made? Seriously who was asking for a movie that not only is misses on the campy fun film, but it isn’t even a gory grindhouse film? Now I will admit my review is going to be a moot point because no one was looking at this movie and thought it was going to be good. Yet I feel I need to say how bad this movie truly is; so without further ado… The movie is what if you take Pride and Prejudice, and decided to throw zombies in the mix. Honestly telling me this makes me feel like one would make a film so over the top, and so ridiculous that I would leave the theater going “What the fuck did I just watch? That was amazing!” This film had the potential to be like Ninja Assassin where it has a dumb plot but comes with over the top action. I guess I should mention the plot because seeing the Box Office I know many people didn’t see this movie. The plot is England has been infested with zombies, and the citizens have all trained in martial arts to combat these zombies. We follow two sisters that were trained to be badass, but spend literally 90% of the movie talking about who they will marry. Oh we also follow this zombie hunting soldier who’s acting as if he is English Blade or something like that. If you noticed I didn’t say any of the characters names you then you’d be correct because this movie is so hard to give a shit about the plot because it is fucking boring. Instead of the plot focusing on the ZOMBIE part of it they decide to focus on the Pride and Prejudice part. While I can make an argument the movie needed some of this pompous British long winded talking in it they needed to keep that at a bare minimum at best. The movie has a sub plot about the zombies starting to get organized. This is a crime that should be the MAIN plot not some sub plot. The actual main plot is who will the main character hook up with? Will it be British Blade or obvious villain, or my personal favorite her own cousin? I’ve been going on for some time about the plot, and I promise I’ll wrap it up I just have one last complaint and it is a doozy. They forget a big part of act three. So the climax is building up British Blade is fighting the main villain, and spoiler happens but they forget to resolve the conflict. The villains are never defeated the day is not won. They get a minor victory and we skip to a wedding to be like all is well. So either one of two things have happened. First they either completely forgot to finish the final conflict, or the second thing is they actually purposely left it out for a goddamn sequel they so desperately need. Regardless it is an incomplete film that misses the fucking point on why anyone would pay to see it. I will keep it quick with the cast. The main daughter we follow is played by actress who was Cinderella in the “hit” of 2015 Cinderella. She is a babe I’m not going to lie, but because she is so British I cannot tell if she is a good actor or not. This is for majority of the cast here they are so British that I honestly couldn’t tell if they were butchering the scenery or if they were saying something profound in uber English. British Blade is played by Sam Riley who is trying so hard to be “cool” he loses any badassness he would normally receive. Two Game of Thrones actors make an appearance which breaks my heart. Charles Dance, and Lena Headey are in this which I know they notoriously pick bad movie choices; which still puzzles me because they can really act when they want to. Real quick they fucked up with the writer and director of this film. Burr Steers who directed 17 Again, and Charlie St. Cloud. Those are the biggest movies he has done. This guy does not scream action, or horror director or writer to me. This explains so much why we get more romance in this movie than say you know uh ZOMBIES. In the end of it all…I can say is FUCK THIS MOVIE. I didn’t hate this walking out I was more confused honestly. Yet the more I think about it the angrier I get at the fact that this was even made, because there is no audience this could be made for. If it was a blood bath zombie movie, or funny campy comedy with zombies this would be a classic hit few people would’ve seen, but raved about. Instead this is a pile of shit with bits of corn sticking out. What does the corn represent? The corn is representing a good idea that was shat out. Do not rent this or see it at a dollar theater. Don’t even borrow this from a friend. Let this movie die, and be lost and forgotten. I give this a 0/5 FUCK THIS GODDAMN “MOVIE”.
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Much like Julius Caesar Hail, Caesar! looks good on the outside, but turns out to be an overall bad idea. Hello internets Brandon here to do my first movie review for the year of 2016. I’ve been keeping up seeing all the films to come out; just haven’t had the time to review them is all. Hail, Caesar! is the latest from Joel and Ethan Coen, and while it feels like one of their movies should it fails to capture the charm that The Big Lebowski or Fargo captured. The film for those who may have missed the trailer is about this 1950’s Hollywood fixer trying to find the main star who has been kidnapped during the filming of the studios big prestige picture. That right there sounds like… well a slightly different version of one of their other movies just in a different setting, and time period. *cough* The Big Lebowski. Unlike said picture this movie fails to capture any memorable moments or even the comedy that’d follow it. This movie is a situational/awkward comedy that is so subtle that I can see many average viewers missing it. If you try and explain a funny scene to someone who hasn’t seen the movie you just end up with that horrible this isn’t funny please stop talking stare. The films biggest issue with me is that every conflict solves itself with little to no action required of the main character. I take issue with that because it has no climax in the film. The character we follow doesn’t have to do a damn thing and the film could end the exact same way. The only thing good I can talk about is the cast they have in the movie. The cast is filled with these Oscar caliber actors that could sell a movie on their own. George Clooney is great in this. He is the kidnapped actor Baird Whitlock who is so naïve he just goes along with anything anyone tells him. Clooney captures the gullible actor perfectly and so much of the comedy is from his character alone. Josh Brolin is great in the movie and plays Eddie Mannix the Hollywood fixer. Brolin is fantastic with one part charm and two part business badass. The only issue is what I mentioned is how he doesn’t have anything to do with any of the conflicts being resolved. That takes this character and builds him up just to leave him hanging. Ralph Fiennes plays a director with few scenes but is hilarious in all of them. Newer actor Alden Ehrenreich not only is the least known, but also very weak and prominent in the story. He is basically a shitty actor who is the super nice naïve southern actor. Scarlet Johansson and Jonah Hill are in this as well as the biggest throw away characters I’ve seen in a while. They are so unnecessary to the film that their problem is solved in a phone conversation. It seemed like such filler, and don’t get me started on the retarded fucking role they have Channing Tatum in. Talk about a guy just their literally for a dance number, and a dumb “twist” at the end. Overall the Coen brothers have done so much better it makes me surprised that they actually messed up so badly on this film. This movie seemed to come out of nowhere and will probably get its ass kicked in the box office in the weeks to come. I understand most film lovers will want to see this movie, and I can even see some walking out and enjoying it. I can’t recommend this movie to many people from Coen fans to the average movie goer. It isn’t a bad movie, the damn thing just isn’t that good. When it comes to Redbox that is when you all should see this. Rent it for a dollar and have a blast at home. Definitely do not pay to see this in theater. I give this a 2.5/5. It makes me sad to even say that about some of my favorite writers and direct |
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